Making Space Without Guilt

The Energy Behind Your “Yes” and “No”

I once said “yes” to delivering a keynote speech at an event that, frankly, I knew I didn’t have capacity for. It was a cause I cared about, the organizer was persistent and enthusiastic, and I told myself I could “make it work.” But the red flags shot up immediately—multiple date changes, venue confusion, unclear expectations, and last-minute requests. Because I had agreed to do this pro bono, I told myself I didn’t have to take it too seriously—yet I was suddenly acting like a full-blown project manager, fielding logistics, calming nerves, and pulling the event together.

By the time I stepped on stage—late, rattled, and resentful—I was running on fumes. I smiled, I delivered, but inside I was irritated. Afterward, I felt ashamed for not holding my boundary and for the passive-aggressive energy I’d brought into the room.

That experience taught me something important: the cost of a misaligned “yes” is steep. Physically, my body was tense for days. Emotionally, I felt depleted and disoriented. My emotional energy tank—which I call the “silent but deadly” one—was drained not by the task, but by the swirl of inner and outer conflict.

Boundaries Are Containers for Vitality

We often frame boundaries as walls or restrictions. But what if we saw them as containers—structures that help preserve, shape, and express our vitality? Boundaries aren’t rigid lines meant to block people out. They are intentional agreements with ourselves and others that protect our energy, honor our values, and help us show up fully where we’re most needed.

Think of a river: without banks, water floods everywhere, becoming destructive or stagnant. With well-defined boundaries, the current flows purposefully—and with power.

As Nedra Glover Tawwab reminds us, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” They are about connection, not disconnection.

The Energy Behind Your “Yes” and “No”

Each “yes” and “no” has a source. When our boundaries are unclear, we say “yes” from fear, guilt, or obligation. But when we know our values, we can say “yes” from alignment.

I invite you to take time for reflection, to contemplate your values in three dimensions:

•          What are your foundational values—those core values that are important for existence that fuel your inner compass?

•          What are your focus values—the ones that define this particular season of your life?

•         What are your future values—the aspirations that shape who you are becoming?

When a request arises, try asking: “If I say ‘yes’, which value am I honoring?

If the answer isn’t clear—or if the value you’re about to sacrifice matters more—your body will likely tell you. You might feel a knot in your stomach, a tightness in your chest, or that all-too-familiar wave of resentment. That’s your internal signal asking for a different choice.

Making Space Without Guilt

Saying “no” is not a rejection. It’s a declaration. It’s a way of making space for the people, projects, and practices that deserve your best energy. But unlearning guilt takes time.

So much of our struggle with boundaries is cultural. We’re conditioned to conflate self-sacrifice with virtue. Many of us learned in childhood that being “good” meant being compliant, agreeable, helpful at all costs.

That narrative is exhausting—and outdated. Boundaries are not acts of selfishness. They are life-affirming expressions of self-responsibility. They protect our vitality so we can continue to give, love, lead, and live from a place of integrity.

Boundaries aren't about rigidity. They’re about clarity. They’re not about isolation. They’re about discernment.

When we’re in alignment with our values—foundational, focus, or future—our “yes” and “no” carry clarity. That alignment doesn’t just live in our minds. It registers in our bodies, too. One powerful way to discern that alignment is to notice the physical signals of relief.

So, here’s a question to carry with you this month: “What does relief feel like in my body?”

Relief might show up as an exhale, a softening in your chest, a grounded steadiness in your belly. If a decision brings that kind of release—even if it’s a hard decision—it’s often a sign you’ve honored a boundary that needed holding. Let yourself feel it—that exhale. That subtle but profound alignment.

Boundaries are life-affirming, but they’re not static. Sometimes the very structures that once protected us can start to restrict us. In our effort to preserve energy, we may begin building walls instead of gateways.

Stay tuned for September’s article! We’ll explore what it means to have a Mental Edge—how to recognize when the mind is creating armor where what we really need is flow, flexibility, and trust in our capacity to adapt.

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